i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
