i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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