there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
