Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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