Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Can Purell be used as lube?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
