last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
