Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
zippers are such a cool invention
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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