Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
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