She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
