this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
