So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
