I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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