I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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