yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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