my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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