So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
