is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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