News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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