Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
