Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
50% drunk capacity currently
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Randomize
