whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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