Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
