That's when you crack a 10am beer
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
