Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
