Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
