I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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