i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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