I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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