How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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