I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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