You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
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