Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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