he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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