My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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