woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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