I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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