You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
this beer tastes like vomit already
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Randomize
