My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
