You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
