The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
