You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
