I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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