I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
