I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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