What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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