I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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