Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Be still, my beating vagina.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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