Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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