Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
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