where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
