Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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